Senators unveil “AOL for all” legislation

Democrat and Republican Senators have come together on proposed legislation that would bring Internet connectivity to 100% of America by the end of 2025.

Dubbed the “AOL for All” plan, this ambitious bill would bring blazing fast, 56k dial-up internet access to every home in the nation.

“I was just telling my Great-Great-Grand Daughter about the wonders of the Information Superhighway,” stated one, super-hip, California Senator on the eve of her 87th year in office.  “Now she’ll be able to surf the world wide web using her microcomputer with the America On-Line.”

The plan calls for an AOL CD to be sent to every home in America, every 30 days.  Each AOL CD will include a free 30 day trial to America On-Line dial-up internet service.

“My esteemed colleagues and I have been trying to find a way to affordably bring all of the Internets to every person in the country,” explained one octogenarian Senator from New York.  “Then someone told us there were roughly 1.7 billion unused AOL CDs. sitting in a warehouse.  We haven’t finished doing the math, but we’re pretty sure that’s enough Internets to last a lifetime.”

Requests for details on system requirements were met with puzzled looks.  It is assumed, however, that Windows 95 and MacOS System 7 will be required.

“Now everyone will have the ability to enjoy AOL Chat rooms and watch Internet videos with the RealPlayer,” stated the President of the United States.  “You know what, now that I think about it… maybe one AOL CD per month won’t be enough.  What if people lose one?  Maybe we should send a new AOL CD every few days.  Yeah.  Yeah.  That’s the ticket.”

Bryan Lunduke

Former Deputy Editor for Linux Journal magazine. Former Technology Journalist for Network World. Former VP of Technology. Former Linux Marketing Director. Former Dishwasher.