Facebook has added new community guidelines that prohibit posts that contain references to “Lizard People.”
According to a representative from Facebook, who is definitely not a Lizard Person, phrases that will result in an automatic removal of content, and an account ban, include the following:
– “Lizard People are real”
– “Mark Zuckerberg is a Lizard Person”
– “I don’t think Zuckerberg is human”
– “Help! Help! My house is being attacked by Lizard People!”
“This latest addition to the Facebook rules will make Lizard Peo — I mean us fellow humans, like I clearly am — much safer from fake news,” stated Arnold P. Slitherin, head of Public Relations for Facebook.
Not to be outdone, YouTube has also announced an update to their algorithm that will automatically detect anti-Lizard bias and flag videos accordingly.
“YouTube takes the epidemic of anti-Lizard videos very seriously,” hissed Amanda Saurian, YouTube’s Content Moderation Lead. “Our diversity is our strength. And that diversity includes Lizard People. Which are totally not real, by the way. And people should definitely not go looking for them in the tunnels underneath Los Angeles. Which are definitely not there.”
When reached for comment, Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey (who is definitely not the reincarnation of Rasputin) became startled, chanted some sort of incantation in Russian, and ran screaming into the woods.